Firehose #99: Mistakes Were Made

Also: This is why you subscribe, just admit it

There’s no sugarcoating things: Mistakes were most definitely made this week. By which I obviously mean you people—or at least, Renton Hawkey, Elisabeth Piper, and maybe A to the G, who, as we discovered after letting an A.I. bot write show-notes for Episode #461, had been laboring under the mis-impression that it was me writing the episode bullet points all these years. No! Nein! Nyet!

This is the Fifdom division of labor:

* Moynihan: Edits all audio, writes all shownotes, hosts too many Honestly episodes, finishes writing deadlines once or twice a year.

* Kmele: Attends conferences, gazes at stars, occasionally plugs in microphone, does unspecified marvelous things for unnamed tech groupings.

* Welch: Writes these weekend things, reads all email/comments/chat, works at Reason, periodically drinks face clean off.

Is it functional? Not always. Is there product? Much of it, somehow. Are you not, at least a little, entertained? For an answer to that, let us go prematurely to our Comment of the Week, from Igor:

Yeah, I'm never unsubscribing from this.

Paying subscribers get the full Members Only episodes (such as M.O. #213 & M.O. #214 this week), get first crack at tickets to live events (such as the two now sold-out Chicago shows just before the more-interesting-by-the-minute Democratic National Convention), obtain access to our terrific Comments and Chat, and score invites to our occasionally shambolic Second Sunday tapings. The next 19 weeks are going to be an absolute shitshow; admit it: You need this.

* OK, let’s do a Fifdom prezzy dumpster fire tick-tock, as the kids (don’t) say. On Wednesday we did our aforementioned debate pre; teased on there was a Reason piece I published Thursday (adding to my unearned rep as a late-breaking MAGA apologist): “What the First Trump-Biden Debate Taught Us Last Time: In between insanities, the erratic Republican was considerably more right about COVID-19 policy in September 2020 than the smug Democrat or the scoldy journalist.” Then came our monthly stint on The Megyn Kelly Show, where we discussed Trump’s possible strategy, CNN’s mic-management rules, Chris Wallace’s poor performance in 2020, the possibility of a J.D. Vance veep selection, and more:

Then we repaired to the Eyes Wide Shut SoHo lair for a debate watch party where, tragically, the wine ran out early, unlike the vats of expert-mixologist tequila-based poisons.

Moynihan was professional enough to tape an Honestly with past Fif’ guests Ben Smith (#125, #227, #404) and Mary Katharine Ham (#345 & #430). We then sat down—allegedly with Peter Meijer (Special Dispatch #51, #307, #339, #367,  #424, M.O. #184)—for the Mother of All Lost Episodes. Luckily the boys on Friday landed Axios reporter Alex Thompson for some truly value-adding content in the unlocked M.O. #215, where you can also hear clips of me making Joe Biden sound comparatively coherent. Speaking of Thompson, he’s got a good piece out today expanding on some of the Operation Bubble Wrap stuff he talked about on the episode.

None of this, alas, should have surprised anyone. Three-plus months ago, I asked the question, “Who you gonna believe…the president's protectors or your lying eyes?” Let’s revisit what was obvious back then:

It's not just the age, it's the wear and tear, as the last month's worth of news, commentary, polls, and weirdo Biden performances have amply demonstrated. For instance, here's a slice of the president's Super Tuesday, just hours before his campaign romped to a 15-state Democratic primary/caucus sweep:

"I better not start the questions, I'll get in trouble," is not typical election-day messaging from any political candidate, let alone one who is currently trailing the guy he beat last time around in just about every national poll. But that has been the Biden campaign's explicit strategy in 2024—keep the aging president away from reporters, away from unscripted gum-flapping, away from easy-earned media such as election-night speeches or the annual Super Bowl interview, and preferably flanked by minders who can take him by the arm before he again stumbles physically or verbally. White House insiders have called it "Operation Bubble Wrap."

The prophylactic approach extends to the president's own health, at least as publicly disclosed. Despite exhibiting signs of deterioration so obvious that even late-night comedians are starting to acknowledge it, Biden, amazingly, was not subjected during his annual medical exam last week to the kind of routine cognitive test that senior citizens with his memory profile (including Donald Trump) frequently undergo. I have watched a loved one take that test, and I can testify that a wrong answer to some of the questions, if widely shared, has the potential to sink an entire presidential campaign. […]

Whatever the underlying cause, the president's persistent unpopularity, exacerbated by last month's determination by Special Counsel Robert Hur that Biden should not be criminally charged for mishandling classified documents because potential juries would see him as a "well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory" and "diminished faculties in advancing age," has become the negative fundamental in the Democratic Party's quest to prevent a Trump restoration.

* Many past Fifth Column guests reacted to Biden’s disastrous performance by recounting how they had previously been pilloried for pointing to the president’s evident deterioration. “When I argued on my show that Robert Hur's assessment was facially correct,” tweeted Mike Pesca (#343, #418), “I got A LOT of pushback from listener's assault by me as buying into Republican talking points.” Bari Weiss (#89, #115, #159, #180 & #187) wrote “They Knew: Last night’s debate exposed the lies we’ve been told.” The headline over at Andrew Sullivan’s (#139, #200 & #449) was “For God’s Sake, Withdraw.” Nancy Rommelmann (#79, S.D. #27, S.D. #30, #198, #203, S.D. #34, S.D. #50, S.D. #64, S.D. #111) pointed an accusatory finger at the enabling First Lady, asking, “How can you not want to do anything but call in protective services watching this?” Even defiant Biden stan Ben Dreyfuss (#83, #97, #148, #214, M.O. #129, M.O. #140, #392, M.O. #180), said it was time for the old man to step aside, and for Democrats to stop acting like “little babies.” This being a newsletter that preferences video, here’s some Bill Maher:

As the wagon-circling festival intensifies, let’s give the 10.5-months pregnant Nellie Bowles (#187) the last word:

I think the question we all have to ask after tonight is simple: If this is Biden, who’s been running our country? Like, practically, who’s been doing the job job of it? Jill Biden? The White House handyman? The interns? Karl Rove? A random Houthi? I’m not mad, I just want to know. Because the people who have been pushing to keep him in office certainly know he’s this bad, and they must like it that way. Weak and confused, he can be used, kept as a pet moderate. Interns, release the old man, just tell us your demands, and we can figure something out.

* A somber Fifth Column note of condolence to past guest Rep. Thomas Massie (#51), who lost his beloved wife Rhonda this week. May her memory be a blessing.

* Fif’ fave Josh Szeps (#25, #80, #103, #117, #196, #328, #423, #445) is working through some grief of his own, most lately in an episode titled “Having a Dad with Alzheimer’s.”

* Props to Glenn Loury (#121, #188, #366) and his partner John McWhorter (#84, #121, #188 & #366) for keeping it real. A few of their episodes back, McWhorter implied that he’d like to see Donald Trump assassinated. Loury this week called him out on it:

* Noam Dworman this week had on his Live from the Table podcast recent Fifth guest Batya Ungar-Sargon (#451), to talk “jobs, trade, tariffs, immigration, and more”:  

* OK, let’s cut this short and enjoy the weekend! Happy Fourth, everyone!

Walkoff music may be obvious, but sometimes you forget how good dude can be: